A variation of this question came up in a vlog post, which was “what will be your word for 2023?”. I have been thinking about this quite a lot lately, I am undecided if it will be “Serenity” or “Rebirth”. Basically, I want to achieve both this year.
Serenity because the last several years have been very taxing for me, starting with my child’s (now adult offspring) social and scholastic withdrawal that exploded in early 2018, passing through a further four years of turmoil for that. Add on the Pandemic 2020 TM with a ten week lockdown, return to work under difficult conditions, lack of competent management which made that even more difficult. My mother’s passing in late 2021, which nearly killed me. Catching COVID in July and being almost killed whilst on holiday a few weeks later for 2022. Then my knee traitorously giving out on me in late August, and still being a hinderance to my mobility and freedom.
I need to find serenity, or rather SERENITY, because my worrying and anxiety have gone into overdrive, especially at night. I worry about death; my own, my cat’s, my loved ones. I worry about everything. I am really starting to feel mortality leaning on me now and I worry about living to be 100 or what will happen if it’s sooner.
I want to stop worrying so much, I want to get a more positive mindset in general, I need a plan. An actual plan for going forward is the only way I think that I can gain some serenity. A plan that brings me to:
Rebirth. I want to re-invent myself, at 55+. I am tired of always having to have the thought of “can we afford this” or “I wish I could afford” the larger house, repairs or whatever. We don’t really have money problems at the moment, but it would be nice to have a great deal more so that I could solve some long-term problems. I want to break out of the cycle I have been in for the last few decades of working and doing the other things I need to do, not expanding my knowledge or capabilities. I have always wanted to learn how to play the piano, even just basics. I would like to learn a third language, I want to start vlogging.
I will start by writing a letter to my January 2024 self, of the goals I want to meet this year, of the things I want to try to accomplish or learn or experience. I want to see how far I can push to change myself and hopefully to learn to enjoy living again. I hope that this path can bring me some joy in my life.